The S#*! People Say When You Are Pregnant

Growing a human in your body is weird, and anyone who has ever experienced this phenomenon can back me up here.  Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful, magical, even a miracle, but that doesn't stop the general public from making the situation way more aaaaawkward than it needs to be!

For some reason, the moment you announce you're expecting, your body suddenly becomes public property.  You spend your whole life with the notion that the way your body looks and the personal space associated with it is a very personal thing.  Somehow, carrying a child reverses every single societal norm that we grow to learn and respect from an early age.  Granted, most comments and gropes are coming from a good place (or so we hope); however, it doesn't take away from the cringeworthiness of each experience.  

I've put together a list of ACTUAL things that have been said to me through my pregnancy journey.  Hopefully, you can get a good laugh out of them as I did (always after a few days after the fact and not in the moment of horror), so please refrain from defending or interpreting the meaning behind them.  We are such a sensitive society nowadays and hey, if a hormonal pregnant lady finds some humor in this, so can you.

Without further ado...

1. "Your life is about to change (followed by a sigh)": Oh really? Gee I didn't realize that because when we decided to bring another human into this world we were really hoping for status quo. Common' people, everyone knows that having a baby is hard.  Really hard.  But for some reason people choose to do it over and over again so it must be somewhat rewarding.  
2. "Sleep now while you can!": Sleep? What's that?!? This comment would make sense if coming from someone who has never been pregnant, but then again why would someone who's never been pregnant feel compelled too dish pregnancy advice.  Anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that you don't sleep when you're pregnant.  Like at all!  If it isn't the heartburn keeping you up, it's the hot flashes, belly aches, sciatic pain, leg cramps, or just the mere fact that you can't get comfortable with a boulder attached to your midsection.  Also, the peeing is a whole other story.  I consider it a good night's rest if I get up fewer than 8 times to go to the bathroom.
3. "Oh, let me tell you my birth story that would give Freddy Krueger nightmares": I can't tell you how many people have told me the absolute worst-case-scenarios of what could happen -completely unsolicited from me.  In fact, this happened the other day while getting a prenatal massage...  My masseuse begins to tell me a horror story of how she started hemorrhaging at 24 weeks and was rushed to the ER.  They realized she had a placental abruption and gave her several blood transfusions and she birthed a little girl.  Assuming that this story MUST have a happy ending, I asked if everything was ok with her baby and she tells me that the baby lived for one day.  I obviously felt horrible for my masseuse but was it necessary to tell me this during my (what was supposed to be) relaxing prenatal massage??!?  What the actual f*c%?.  Next time I have a prenatal massage and they ask me if I'm allergic to anything, I'll say, gory birthing stories.
4. "Are you planning on having more?": Um, can I just have this one first?  Thanks! 
5. "You're going to have a beautiful baby":  Ok this one came from a lady a church and sounds nice enough, but this comment was followed by "People of 'other' races make beautiful babies. My daughters have both told me that they want to marry other-race people because they want a beautiful baby too".  George was in the bathroom when this convo went down but after I filled him in, he kept cracking up randomly through the sermon that day.  I didn't realize that there were two main races in this world "white" and "other" *eye roll*.
6. "You're having a boy"!: As I mentioned earlier, people assume your body is public property for commentary once you are expecting.  Last week at the nail salon, the lady receiving a manicure next to me started looking me up and down and said matter-of-factly "you're having a boy".  I said "no it's a girl".  And she said "really? no, I think it's a boy".  Oh ok stranger with psychic abilities based on my body shape; I guess the 10 ultrasounds I've already had, the NIPT testing, and my OBGYN's confirmation that I'm having a girl are all wrong.  I'd better return the thousands of dollars worth of baby clothes and gear I've already purchased for her.
7. "Do you know what you're having?": Well we were going to wait to share this with everyone but it's a PUG!  but no really, I'm pretty sure my Pug Piper thinks I birthed her.
8. "You don't look pregnant" and also "when are you due, soon?": Any commentary on the size of one's bump is completely unnecessary.  You then have the right to say "well you don't look like someone who would stare unapologetically at my body, yet here we are".
9. "Are you planning on having a vaginal birth"? Any questions about how you plan on giving birth or how you plan on feeding your baby that aren't coming from close family or friends are completely unnecessary. I don't plan on discussing my privates with you when I'm not pregnant and still don't plan on it now thank you.
10. Strangers touching you: This one blows my mind.  Touching the bump is totally acceptable from friends and acquaintances especially if they ask first, but for some reason the people who go in for the kill unannounced are almost always total strangers.  The sales lady who came to measure the window in the nursery for drapes starting rubbing my belly saying "you're not even showing yet" and I was so close to rubbing her belly and saying "I just wanted got check if you were showing too".
11. "Oh, you're having a GIRL? Let me tell you, they're a handful": This one takes the cake for me.  My husband and I were eating at a restaurant and the man next to us started talking to us.  When he found out we we're expecting and having a girl, he proceeded to tell us that girls are not easy to raise and they are emotional, bossy, stubborn, and throw fits and that they are mini versions of adult women.  I was so appalled by this total gender bashing that I finally said " you do realize that I too am a girl/woman".  I wish I would have added that my sole mission in raising her is to stand up to men like you!  Who rule the world? GIRLS GIRLS!

There you have it.  I hope you got a good laugh as I did, and hopefully this goes out as a public service announcement as well!  Comment below with anything that was said to you while pregnant.  I would love to be entertained while I finish the last few weeks of pregnancy bliss!

Mamaste, Babes!

Paloma